Mostly.

My person* isn't driving yet.

I'm grateful for:

• A hybrid schedule so we're not going into the office each morning.

• My person works 10-hour shifts, so I can get some work done between drives.

• Work is only 15 minutes down the road.

• The extra 15 minutes of sleep I get because I don't have to get up that the exact same time as my person.

On our drive this morning, I felt seen.

"I know this is the last thing you want to start your day with..."

Oh yes. I have thoughts of my pillow getting cold without me. I'm missing the mornings I could just roll into the middle of the bed and get another hour of very needed rest. So does my dog, Harley. She walks into my son's room like it's the walk of shame on these mornings. Questioning why this is our reality.

"...but do you at least enjoy our drives together?"

What a sweet thing to ask. And without hesitation, the answer is "Mostly."

There are the mornings my sweet loved one talks. Too much. I may or may not have put a hand to cover his mouth on one particular morning. Too many words, not enough brain power.

But the reality is that I really don't hate it. Ideal? No. But I do enjoy the time together. It's why we had so much fun during the pandemic. The inside jokes created themselves. We watched others with relationship struggles and wondered how we got it right. This is just another test of our resilience and strength as a couple.

So darling, I really don't mind... mostly.

It's in these moments that I recognize not everyone is as lucky to get this type of validation from the person they're caring for. So many components of diagnoses, abilities and a million other factors come into play. I'm not an expert, clearly, but I do often acknowledge that I'm lucky for what I do have.

I've probably said it in an earlier blog post, but I don't consider myself a "caregiver" by nature. When my kids were little, my spouse was the better parent in my eyes. He just seemed to "get them". Meanwhile, I remember it taking 45 minutes to leave the house to get a gallon of milk - after work no less when we had already been out - and crying on the steps because I couldn't understand how a 15 minute errand was taking so much time. Once the kids were school aged, it became so much easier for me. I think it was the structure of our day and their budding independence. It all worked out, thankfully.

Beyond raising my kids as a parent, the caregiver role wasn't something that appealed to me. Those that know me will question this, especially knowing some of the things I've done not shared here. However, in those roles, I've always just looked at it as "being a helper" - I can do things but it's not the 24/7. That's too taxing.

So when the role became attached to my identity, there were personal struggles in accepting the reliance that came with it. It also comes with flexibility and adaptability. My schedule - flexible. The tasks I need to do to support those around me - adaptable. Both change daily.

And I accept that.

There are the hard days (insert the 'shh'ing' on the drive). And then there are days like today, when I'm simply thankful to be seen.

*Following the lead of Emma Heming Willis, who lovingly speaks about "our person" when speaking about the caregiving roles, I've also began using this. It keeps a little anonymity for my partner, who's still recovering.