The Fierce, Independent Woman Is Tired

I'm just.... tired. Mentally tired.

As a proactive person, I've spent the better part of this year being reactive to the situations I'm in. Having a medical situation unfold in your life takes away all planning. You're just responding to the moment.

If you're someone that handles things as you go normally - I wish I could be like you. I would probably worry way less. For example, a simple visit to the eye doctor required two follow up appointments. One for me, one for my person. For different reasons and different specialists. Didn't see that coming. The prescriptions we needed, totally planned for. The specialists - no.

That's just how it goes now.

When I get to this point, the easy things seem to pile up. I want to just give up. It's gotta be the exhaustion. After a good night's sleep, the days look better and my outlook is brighter. But for now, I want to cry. I don't though. I keep it to myself.

I get frustrated when I get this way. Not at anyone or anything. And I can't put my finger on it. To everyone watching, I look fine. If you ask me, I'll even convince you of that.

The overwhelm of the next day gets to me in this moment. Where do I have to be, what do I have to do and how much do I have to get done?

I don't want to show anyone that I'll falter. I've always been strong. When my person was in the hospital post-surgery and a scary moment cropped up, I did make the call to my BFF. She was there for me in a way where I will forever be grateful. In that moment, I didn't hesitate. But think of the severity I deemed the situation to be. BTW it was purely precautionary by the nurses and doctors... but I didn't know it in the moment.

Yeah, I know I shouldn't wait until it gets "that bad" but I've been taught, or conditioned, to just handle things. I am strong and fiercely independent.

Maybe it was moving to Virginia, away from my family and friends. We had to rebuild our lives for an amazing career opportunities. The only people I knew were my new co-workers. We grew into an amazing team and did spend time together outside of the office, but when raising tiny babies, I felt alone too. Family lived hours away and it was just us. Maybe that's why this is so hard. "Us" has changed. A lot of times, it's just me.

That fierce, independant woman... is tired.