When “Shake It Off” Isn’t Working

I'm mad. No.

I'm frustrated. No, that's not it.

I'm....

I'm not sure.

I came home from a respite weekend (see my previous blog post). We're in an adjustment period having our daughter home, but I was also faced with reality.

The reality that my person isn't as far along as my brain had hoped. My person isn't the same. He managed without me for a few days, of course. But there are things that just didn't get done. Abilities, normal spouse-like lack of observation. But I was back at it within minutes.

This morning it was back to the routine. My bladder couldn't hold out until 6 am so I was up at 5 for the day. My brain wasn't going to let me have 45 minutes.

As I got home, it was almost time to start the school routine. No rest so I started my work. Editing the next episode of the podcast, planning the next few episodes and some social media posts.

The teenager was grumpy and grunted his way through the morning. I, the villian, for waking him from his slumber. Even "Shake It Off" by Taylor Swift didn't fix my morning. I grabbed a Trenta cold brew from Starbucks and I sit here and write.

I'm not angry at anyone. I wouldn't even discribe my mood as angry. I'm just blah. Maybe it's the changes of having my daughter home again because I've been change adverse since this all happened to us.

I also struggled when thinking about how this all happened. It certainly wasn't because of a fall or accident. It wasn't because of age related issues that will happen to us all. It just ... happened. And I feel like I'm carrying the brunt of it all.

That weight feels like a ton. And life continues. Where today, I feel like burrowing in and never coming out of my cave, I know that's not the answer. Not for me at least. That will happen for about 5 minutes before my brain kicks in and gives me the lengthy to-do list that will just not ever shorten.

So how do you deal with these feelings? They're not wrong. Just give them the space they need? I mean, they are normal considering it all. It just sucks. I know all caregivers feel this way at one point or another. It doesn't have to be from a break away from it all. I'm sure it happens on the regular. I struggle because this isn't me. And no, it's not a cry for help. I do have speed dial ready for my inner circle just in case.

Blogging through these feelings do help. It gets them out. And if it helps you go "oh, she has those feelings too?" .... then my job here is done.

So if you drive past me on the road and hear "Shake It Off" through my closed windows, smile and wave. It's my mantra for the week.

What's yours?