When Celebrations Look Different

Last week was my birthday and our wedding anniversary. It's normally a fun time with dinners out, small presents and lots of laughs. Not that it wasn't that this time, but it was just different.

Combine high school activities and the days were slightly overshadowed by the day-to-day. One thing I had asked for was a birthday cake. My daughter, residing in Florida for now, was in on it and pushed "the boys" to do something. I knew they wouldn't bake a cake and they both thought it was out of taste to have me pick out my own. None-the-less, a cake was ordered, but I did have to pick it up. It is the thought that counts, right?

A year ago, we were planning a wonderful getaway for the week for our double celebrations. Googling where we'd be on the big days, planning who would stay with our son and dogs. Asking "What is the temp in Alaska in May?". With normal age related issues, we were looking at what activity levels and adventures we'd want to take. Here we are now, and I woke up wondering what location we would have been in - our itinerary wiped from the app once we cancelled.

Today, I'm just grateful our life is as whole as it is. My person could have had so many more severe issues, a worse diagnosis... I know others certainly have. Yes, it's clouded with crutches, rollator, handles on my bathroom walls and other "old people" supplies around the house. It's crazy how much we have adapted to it all.

But I'm not going to lie. This was not the most exciting week. Caretaking doesn't take a day off. At the end of my big day, another minor annoyance came up. I literally threw my hands up and said that's enough. It could wait.

My daughter and I talk daily. She's such a bright spot in my day. It's almost a bit of escapism for me to hear about her grand life at "The Most Magical Place on Earth". Seeing her happy is contagious to me. We have a phrase for situations like I mentioned above - "That's a problem for "Friday Me"" ... or whatever is most appropriate.

What I learn, or remind myself, is that it's ok to do my best and just ..... stop. It's overwhelming to look at something and know that if I see something on the floor and don't pick it up, it will still be there for me later. No one else is going to notice it. That's all on this girl. Frustrating, yes.

My person did apologize and said that they were sorry I didn't have a better birthday. The acknowledgement was appreciated. I also know that they would have done anything to make it better had situations been different. I'm not a selfish person but I do miss being taken care of. I'm independent by nature, but it's the small things. Driving... oh how I'm so tired of being the only driver.

So how do you get past "the suck" when something doesn't meet your own personal expectation. I'll be honest. I'm not sure. It's ok to feel bad. It's ok to acknowledge that it made you sad. But at some point, you do have to dust yourself off and understand the uncontrollables. I can't control that this situation that my person is disabled. I can't control the situation that my person who was fully independent is totally reliant on me to leave the house. It sucks... but I'm also glad that I can physically be there.

We talk. Communication between me and my person has always been the one thing that has gotten us this far. Honest chats help. Having someone listen - my person or someone else - does help too. Heck, blogging helps me. I'm not keeping the feelings all bottled in.

And where the days weren't ideal, they were made pretty darn nice by the messages, texts and calls. Being with my favorite people and seeing such love certainly overshadowed the boring and mundane parts of the day. So really, at the end of the day, it's all about perspective. I can complain and say I didn't get enough attention or I can focus on what I'm grateful for. I think you know what I choose - every day.