Changed Relationships in Caregiving

When I work with anyone in a coaching setting, I'm often saying that we're changing constantly. The person you will be in 24 hours will be different from the person in front of me now because we will have had 24 hours more of life. In some ways, that 24 hours will shape decisions we make, the way we do things or the way we view the world. It may not be dramatic shifts, but they do matter.

When I think back to me on December 22, before all of this took place, I was very different. I was looking forward to the holidays with our family, my dad and sister, in Florida. I was wrapping up projects at work before our week long break. I was grateful for lunch with friends the day before. I was blissfully ignorant at the changes in store for us.

One phone call changed that. I went into "karen-mode". Not "a karen" like the memes, but my go-to mode. Get $h!t done. Let's figure out what this is so we can make sure my person is ok. That was the most important thing - and still is.

As our choose-your-own-adventure progressed, I went into advocate mode. I had to be the voice - sometimes the loudest in the room - to make sure we were heard and listened to for the best care give the facts in front of us in the moment. I became the PR person - the communicator to our loved ones who worried with me.

When the dust settled and we were home and in our routine I was different. My person was different. We were different. How could we not? We often say we need to write a book when this is done. My perspective and my person's perspective. Both realities are correct, but we lived very differently. We had different fears, different worries. I wanted my person to make sure they made it though a very long surgery. My person worried if they'd be able to drive or go back to work.

We changed. So how could our relationship not? Thankfully with the duration of time together, we are solid. We may drive each other crazy, but we're in it for the long haul. I also made sure our weekly "rituals" were still in place to give us a sense of normalcy through all of this. If nothing else, our weekly coffee date is always there. It's a non-negotiable.

But life is different. We're in the recovery phase so caregiving evolves. Some of the needs 3 months ago aren't the same as today. But relationship wise, something like handholding is on pause. Crutches don't make that easy! And I miss it. My person has a spot on his hand that doesn't yet feel normal. When I touch that spot, it feels awkward. It's no fault of anyone, but this is something we'll have to adjust to.

The phrase "two things can be true" has popped up a lot in my social media consumption. I have no idea where it started coming from but I hear it a lot. So here are my two things:

• I really don't mind taking care of my person, but I do want to be taken care of too.

• Caretaker is an important role, but I'm also a mother and wife that is equally important and needs to be prioritized.

• Some days are really hard, but I'm really still glad to be in a situation where I'm able to do it (just give me some good sleep and an iced tea)

Change isn't bad. I hope when reading this, you weren't expecting a catastrophic conclusion. I don't roll that way! It just.... is. It's always there. No matter what the relationship is with you and your person, caregiving will change the relationship. There are times where caregiver is the #1 role and it stays that way. Other times, your original relationship is back at the top - sometimes for a short glimmer of time before caretaking resumes. It's ok to be frustrated by that. It's ok to reflect on the journey. I personally know that others have a harder time than I do. Then there are people that look my direction and have no idea how we're managing. It's all perspective.

I'll continue to stay glass half full. That's always my style.