EMPOWERING: Caregiving Starts with Boundaries

I had a really great conversation with my mentor/friend/confidiant/fellow caregiver today. After losing two of her loved ones after caregiving journies, she was sharing updates from her family and the boundaries that she had to set up for her own mental health. Situations in her family were activating repressed memories of her caregiving days. Feelings she didn't want to relive, yet are so engrained because of the experiences she faced.

That got me thinking about the importance of boundaries. Boundaries are EMPOWERING. You as a caregiver need to set them - for your person, from your person and for others.

What are boundaries? In my Grief Educator certification class, it was explained like this:

I do not take calls after 9 p.m.

My friend calls me at 10 p.m. to chat.

I pick up.

Who violated the boundary? My friend or me?

Believe it or not - it would have been ME!

My friend called at 10, but I picked up. I violated my own boundary.

Why is a boundary EMPOWERING as a caregiver? I see it two ways. When taking care of your person, this is good for both you and your person. Setting a boundary means that everything doesn't fall on your shoulders or it gives you the ability to ask for help. Conversely, doing everything for your person may not be the best for them. In a recovery situation, not doing a task may be taking away the ability to do said task. Use it or lose it is what a PT/OT would tell you about your muscles, and it works that way for your mental health.

In the Caregiver journey, some people show up for you, while others don't. It may be for many reasons. Inability to understand, lack of capacity... you name it. It hurts when others don't show up for you in the same way.

A fellow caregiver shared with me that a new boundary is for extended family. In their season of caregiving, the chosen family has shown up more than the blood relatives. That's inevitably changed the relationship. And in this case, physical distance wasn't the issue. As a caregiver, you choose how you show up to respond for that. That's EMPOWERMENT. Saying "I will not do" or "I will" is a choice. Not an easy one. Nor does it work for everyone. My extended family lives out of state, so I don't have the same expectations as my friend.

The other thing that comes to mind when I think of EMPOWERING yourself with boundaries, it's also ok to change. Caregiving seasons require you to wear different protective layers. Think of the normal seasons. In winter, you're bundled up in a heavy jacket. Do that in summer and you're dripping in a puddle in a few minutes. So like in nature, one boundary you set today can absolutely be adjusted later. Don't be made to feel bad because of a decision you need to make.

Boundaries don't have to be just with other people. They can be tasks, schedules... you name it. "I need to do XXX every week at this time to..." save my sanity? Not lose my mind? Be able to function and be a normal human being?

When you're carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders in this caregiving journey, don't forget that you, too, have the power. EMPOWER yourself to make the best decisions physically, mentally and emotionally.