Validation Can Change Everything

This is the post on emotions. Yeah... it's an important part of this caregiving saga. Emotions run high between the caregiver and care recipient. How can they not. Sometimes daily, other times weeks can go by. But the emotions and the feelings behind them need to be VALIDATED.

It's easy to focus on the physical. Whether it's mobility, cognative issues, health decline, they all come with thoughts and feelings. It's natural to miss the "old life" or "the way things were". It's natural to get frustrated, sad, angry, stressed, relieved. After my person had surgery, I was not prepped for the post surgical swelling from IV fluids. I wasn't prepared for the "I have an itch on my nose" and then my person missed the spot entirely. I was told these were all normal given the procedures, but it wasn't normal.

The night of his surgery, we had the nurses call a rapid response out of an abundance of caution. I had heard these announcements during our time in the hospital but had no idea what they entailed. Having watched it in real time for my person, I was tramatized. Not because anything was wrong but it was a looooonnnnngggg day and I just didn't have enough information. Honestly, in the moment, I didn't want to be the one to delay any care my person needed so I got out of the room and called my BFF who was there in record time to just be there for me. She was the rockstar of the night!

But that experience had to be VALIDATED with my person. Luckily, when the nurses relayed the situation, my person completely understood me and knew what I needed - a great big hug. That's what I got in limited form that day... but many more afterwards especially when we talk about it.

The care recipient needs VALIDATION too. This is happening to them too. Now, it shouldn't come to you as a surprise, but I'm the emotional one in our relationship here. I feel all the feels. If you're in a bad mood, so am I. If you're happy, I am your biggest cheerleader. It can be an emotional roller coaster.

But as much as we feel as caretakers, think of this:

• How would you respond if you lost your independence?

• What would you do if you were completely normal one day and "broken" the next?

• When would you want to be better?

• How would you feel if your loved one had to do everything at the detriment of themselves?

It's hard to comprehend what the other half feels because you're not in the shoes. But ask these questions. Don't come at it with a need to fix it. In grief education, we're told to make space for people to share. It doesn't need a response. It doesn't need you to solve the problem because many times we can't. The same is for the care recipient. This is where VALIDATION comes in.

When appropriate, ask your person if you can share. Set the stage. I need to share to get something off my chest. Ask them to listen and not feel bad because of the words. There is no blame. It's an acknowledgement. It's VALIDATION that this is equally hard.

In our situation, I tell my person honestly how I feel. There are feelings that come from it because we're all human. But I'm also honest in saying that in no way do I blame this situation on my person. When I'm doing the chores that my person can't do for themselves, I actually NEVER think "why can't you do it yourself?" or "this is your fault I'm doing this". Never Ever.

Yes, I complain. I'm human after all. Caretaking isn't the only job I have. It's very important, but it's not the only one. Those other roles are important to me and are apart of me. One volunteer role allowed me to connect with someone I now call a friend. We had coffee today and it was just an hour of chatting. No agenda, just connection. I have a ridiculously big smile on my face because it was just what I needed. I didn't realize how much. And you know what, there was VALIDATION there too. Not because my friend had the same experiences, but because someone listened and held space.

So in the season of caregiving, connecting with your emotions is critically important. They can't be the part of you that you left behind. They're with you along for this ride. They need attention. And it's absolutely acceptable to get professional help too. Heck, I was looking up professionals the other day. While I don't feel like I need it in this very moment, I want to have a list of providers I'm comfortable to reach out to proactively.

Professional help is good to do no matter what your season. When I lost my mom unexpectedly, I was pregnant with my second child. My aunts were clearly concerned for me. I remember having a conversation with them telling me to seek a professional before I gave birth - this was so the professional could gauge the difference between what was grief versus post partum depression. It was the best piece of advice I got and I am eternally grateful for it. So take this as that sign to get someone in the "Caregiver's Circle". Having that outside ear who's "on your side" is a resource you won't regret having.

So VALIDATE your feelings. You have a right to them. Your care recipient has a right to theirs. Don't forget that it's a part of you. This is a different relationship than "before".