The Ups and Downs of Caregiving

I was having a mentally challenging day the other day. There was no reason for it, but I was just spent. It may have been the reason I was so contemplative.

"The days are long, but the years are short."

If you're a parent to some littles, I know you've heard that at least once. It hit me that the caregiving seasons are the same way. As much as you are prepared to get through the day, there is just something - usually something mundane - that makes the day just not the way it was supposed to go.

In our house, I've said to my person on more than one occassion that I'd be able to get through the days if I didn't have to repeat myself when things needed to get done by someone other than myself. It would be nice if dumb stuff, like a note from our HOA that the patio we've had for more than a decade didn't cause us to get notices. It would be nice if the dishwasher would empty on its own or the dogs would get taken care of without me having to flag the other capable person to help. Said person is a teen, so there is a wiggle room as this caretaking journey affects them differently and it is NOT the responsiblity to take on all grownup stuff - but the easy stuff. Don't make mom repeat herself. Please.

Caregiving and parenting may be one in the same for many. But the caregiving with an adult is different. They have a say in what happens, or at least they should. It depends on capacity, of course.

My person is currently walking with canes/crutches. There is a little pedestal on the kind purchased that could be a knee rest. I have no idea why you'd need it, but it's there and we don't use it. It clearly helps indicate the left side versus the right side. Knowing how particular my person can be, I hand the left to the left hand and right to the right hand. Most of the time of course. There are the times where I seriously didn't pay attention. But you know what irks me? When I see the silent judgement and double check to make sure I did it correctly.

When my person first came home from rehabilitation, I was serving them in the chair that made them the most comfortable. I have known my person for a million years. I know how coffee is taken, how eggs are preferred. For weeks I was reminded "Salt, Pepper, Ketchup" and "4 cream, 3 splenda". I was so grateful to have them home, I didn't say anything for about 3 weeks until I had enough. Then I complained, and what happened the next day - I forgot the ketchup. You can't do anything but laugh.

I have found that when I focus on the hard, annoying things, my mood is obviously not the greatest. But when I focus on the little things, like the progression of my person's recovery, I have hope. I really think this is a mental game for me. Not everything can be fixed by thinking positively. It's hard. I'll never say otherwise. But that's why It's good to have your backup in place.

A caregiving friend told me that it sucks when someone says "why didn't you call me?". In those emergency situations, it's not always as easy to call. Sometimes, it's really about who can best support me in the moment. Sometimes, given the situation, you can't think. So here's the helpful tip I got:

In the quiet/calm moments, write a list of who can help in which circumstances.

• Who can do a grocery pickup?

• Who can pick up my kid?

• Who can babysit?

• Who can be backup caregiver for an hour?

• Who can walk/care for my dogs?

You get the jist. Make up your "I need help" categories and see who can jump in. Especially if you're doing a majority of the work solo, this will save you when you're in crisis.

Help is there, we just need to prep for it - and sometimes that is just mentally.

Each season of caregiving is different. Each season has it's own ups and downs, much like the seasonal storms we'd get meteorologically. But how do we weather them?

I am planner. I don't like getting caught totally off guard. Maybe that's my personal superpower. Lean into your superpower. Raising our care recipient isn't always easy, but love prevails.